The Peace I Have

Anyone who knows me, I mean really knows me, knows that the one thing I cherish in life is peace. It is the one thing I can't buy, but is worth more than anything I've ever owned. With less than twenty four hours left in 2011, I can say that I don't recall ever feeling this good about a new year coming in. It's something about the experience I've had and the things I'll be leaving behind that lets me know that living just a bit more than I have in the past has been well worth it.

As I look back on the year I think of all who I have crossed paths with. The internet has brought a lot of different people through my life. Some who've challenged me, some who listened and undertood, and some who I can't say will be missed. It's all been a learning experience that I will cherish until I die. When I look back on 2011, I will be ble to say that not single tear I've shed has been in vain because God has blessed me in more wys than I could ever have imagined.

The peace I have right now is surreal. Even when I'm angry, I'm at peace. This year has allowed me to release some anger that has been the thorn in my side for years. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I'm not the hardest either. I don't require much more than respect. I try my best not to bother people with my problems and I am typically mindful of the words that come out of my mouth. All I ask in return is the same respect. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don't. However, at this point in time I just don't feel phased by any of it because of the peace I have.

So, to all who have loved me unconditionally and have listened to me without judgement...thank you. I can count on one hand who those people are and it's doubtful that they will even read what I have to say. This year I learned what it really means to be loved for just being me. It feels good to just open up and say what's on my heart without judgement. It feels good to hve someone patient enough to listen while you cry on the phone. It feels good to be able to be able to send a text twenty-four hours a day and know that whatever the response it, it will be said in love. Relationships like this are rare. Relationships like this restore my hope thst one day this world will be a better place. Relationships like these bring me the peace that I have today.

Not the Christmas I Expected

I have kids. Lots of kids. Five to be exact. And guess what? They like the holidays. They love the lights, they love the music, and of course they love the gifts. They love waking up on Christmas morning and doing secret knocks on each others doors too. That's their signal that "Santa" has made his delivery and it's time to open gifts. Funny thing is that, they won't open the gifts without my husband and I being present. Gotta love 'em because when I was a kid, I woke up at the crack of dawn and opened my presents alone. I didn't care if my parents were asleep or awake. I just wanted to play.

My kids are different though. Guess I'm just blessed that God delivered five little angels whom I am more apt to call my precious devils. They don't ask for much. I would love to have the money to shower them with the latest gadgets and trendy clothes, but I can't. Honestly, they don't even act like they care which is such a blessing because chances are, I don't care how much money I have, I refuse to spend a wad of cash on one blouse or toy. It's pointless. I really think that it would take away from the lessons we are trying to teach them.

So, it really pleased me that after thirteen years of being a mother and buying seemingly crappy gifts, I am happy to say that I got it right this year. We didn't really spend a lot of money, but the girls are pleased that we chose gifts that are extensions of their gifts and personalities. Of course my three year old got a crap load of Minnie Mouse stuff because she's a fanatic. However, the look on my thirteen year old daughter's face was the best when she opened up her new sketch book, portfolio,and pencils. It wasn't an overly expensive gift, but it's one that I know she will use on a daily basis. It's one that suits her need to express herself and one that I know for a fact won't get tossed to the side.

Believe me when I say that this is not the Christmas I expected. We didn't leave the house, we didn't eat turkey and gravy, my three year old has a fever and just threw up all over me. Furthermore, my procrastination didn't allow me to give them nearly half the stuff I wanted them to have. I'm okay with that. The best gift this mother could ever ask for is the gift of appreciation. While there was some mumbling of I didn't get what was on my list, the comments behind them is what mattered most. It's been a day of continuous knocks on my door showing me the pictures they've drawn. It's been a day full of laughing at Mommy's addiction to pixie sticks (yes, I've been stealing them from the kids) and a day full of genuine love. The girls aren't even complaining about eating chicken, black beans, and yellow rice for dinner either. They are quietly eating dinner while watching Bernie Mac on the living room floor. No, this is not the Christmas I expected, but it is one that I can appreciate and add to my lists of most cherished memories.

Today I Am Working On Patience

When I was younger, things came easy to me. My mind was sharp. I took for granted that my faculties would forever be in place. Now, that I'm older, I am beginning to realize that I am a few years away from forgetting everything that I ever learned. That is...if I allow that to happen. Today, I vow to feed my mind physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I've never been a real fan of junk, but I do dabble in mindless activities from time to time. I do indulge in processed foods on occasion, and I sometimes fail to read meaningful things. Nothing is wrong with that, but I have got to learn to provide my body, mind and spirit with all the things needed to prolong its lifespan.

What I've come to realize is that, in certain instances, I lack patience in my personal endeavors. I want things done quick-fast! I want to pick up on things just like I did years ago before the kids, before the husband, and before the responsibilities of life. What I've come to realize is that at some point, I have to slow down, relax, and just let it all soak in. What I've learned is that, this does not come easy for me because I am typically in overdrive.

No more. Today, I am working on patience. As the saying goes, good things come to those who wait. That is not to say that I'm going to sit around waiting for life to happen for me and it doesn't mean that I'm going to spend the next ten years trying to get to my destination. What it means is that if I start a task and get frustrated, I will make it a point to stick with it until I can figure it out myself within a reasonable amount of time or swallow my pride and ask for help.

How did I get to this point? I don't know. It's just an overwhelming feeling that I have. I'm guessing it stemmed from my inability to maneuver my way around word press. I feel like an idiot for not picking up on things immediately. It took me two days to figure out how to follow a blog and I'm still not for certain that I did it right. I lost my well written and witty about me post as well as my first blog. So, what I've decided to do is to take my time and set up my page to look just like I like it before I continue any further. I'm working on me now. I have a goal in place, but I'm in no rush to get to the finish line until it is officially time.

Something Big Is Happening

Something is happening. Something has gathered my anger, crumpled it up, and tossed it to the side. Something has made me realize that life is so much more, that I can't possibly be bothered with the little things. This is scary. And I'm not talking about thriller movie scary. I'm talking, I am being prepared for something bigger than me and I don't know what to think or say.

Last night, I walked away from two or three hundred easy dollars. When I say easy, I mean guareenteed. As my husband and I were sitting at a stop light, a man rammed us with his nice shiny black BMW. What an asshole to be concerned with nothing more than his beautiful box of metal. There was a police officer at the corner dealing with another incident, but I told him to have a blessed night and just walked away. Still visibly upset that his seemingly prized possession was damaged through his own negligence, he didn't bother to say thank you or anything else that resembled remorse. Now, had this been another day and time I probably would have jumped at the opportunity to collect a small check. Christmas is just around the corner. My fender was dented and he jolted us enough to have gotten a few free chiropractor visits, but I walked away. I just wanted to get home and keep a promise of a good meal and homemade cookies for my girls.

On the way to the store I received a text from a very good friend of mine. I've never met her in person, we've only spoken once on the phone, but we have such a wonderful connection that I can't help but to think that God sent an angel my way. Seriously, in a life or desth situation I would trust her to know me enough to make the right decision. She wanted to inform me that some very private information of mine had made it's way to a closed knit circle I used to be a part of. Honestly, it didn't surprise me. Thinking back, it's sad that it didn't surprise me that this particular young lady felt the need to share a private family matter. I am so at peace right now that I forgive her, no questions asked. We all, at some point, share things we are entrusted with, but I thought that maybe she would understand that it was something not to be shared. I guess not.

Whatever the case, I am wide awake. I am at peace. Something big is happening and I doubt that it's something I can change. Do I even want to change it? Do I want to risk making a mountain out of a mole hill or show God that I don't trust Him? Life is bigger than me. It is bigger than everyone of us and I have learned that sometimes it's okay to walk away. I have learned that everything isn't as serious as some would like us to believe. I am growing. I am this well crafted work of art that God just keeps rearranging. I am molded by Him. Nothing I say or do can take away from the fact that He is the sculptor and I am the clay at His mercy. If nothing else in my life rings true, this surely does. I can't change it nor would I really want to. All I know is that something big is happening and I am prepared.

I Am Afraid, But I Am Not

Let me start by saying that music is a drug to me. I can zone out for hours and forget about my own existence when I put my headphones on. In fact, when I was in college, I was known for my headphones because they were, and still are, with me 95% of the time. When I listen to music, it puts me in a particular zone of being fearless. I am not afraid to sing off key,I am not afraid to show emotion, and I am not afraid to just be. For whatever reason, music helps to alleviate my pain, enjoy the moment, think and dream.

One of my favorite inspirations is the lovely and talented Ms. Jill Scott. Her words and delivery just do something for me. Her delivery is so powerful and nurturing even through words that deliver tough love in a world full of harsh realities. What really makes me love her most is her ability to let her guard down and show just how vulnerable she, even as this powerful black woman, can be.

I am not afraid, she sings. It is a song that gets daily play on my iPhone. Though the song speaks of her love for a man, to me it breaths life into my existence. I wish I could be everything in that song, but I am working towards it. Many moons ago, I was that song. I was not afraid to take off my mask, come to the front of life's platform and just be me. All of a sudden, one day, someone that I loved and trusted made me feel as though I had nothing to say. So, I sat down and never really got back up. That was my biggest mistake. My confidence waned and I stopped sharing. I felt defeated and depleted of everything I'd ever worked towards.

That's not me anymore. I am afraid, but I am not. Now, I realize that this makes absolutely no sense to the average bear. However, I am not your average bear. We are all afraid of something, but even through our fear we are able to channel a certain energy and push through it. So yes, I am afraid to take that first step, but I am not afraid of where that first step will take me. It may never take me to great financial wealth, but it will take me far away from my comfort zone. Everyone has a voice that deserves to be heard. After all these years, I finally remembered that mine is one of them.

37 Years Old...Now What?

I'm 37-years-old and things are finally clicking for me. No, I don't want to hear you complain one more time about your boyfriend. No, I don't want to hear about how much your life sucks. And no...I don't care about most of what you have to say. Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I sound a bit selfish, but this is my life, right? I am the one who has to live with me and the only one that really knows what's going on in my head, right? Right.

As I approach forty at a gingerly pace, I am realizing exactly what every other person my age has probably realized. I still have lots of room to grow. I've always known this, but there is something about getting older and listening to those a decade or more younger than myself that has made me realize that ten years from now, I may look back at myself and think of how much I still didn't know at my current age.

I'm 37...now what? I am no where near achieving anything that I had set out to accomplish. I'm not a big time author, I don't publish my own magazine, I've never owned a brand new car, and I am years away from owning my own house. Funny thing is that I am perfectly fine with all of that. You see, when I set out on my life long mission I never thought about the monkey wrench that might get thrown my way. I didn't have (dare I say this aloud and make my sister smile) a contingency plan. I never sat down and thought about what I would do just in case I got sidetracked.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have regrets because I do. I regret not realizing til now that I should have had a plan b. I regret letting motherhood overshadow my goals instead of incorporating my goals into motherhood. I regret expecting my husband to be my biggest cheerleader when I clearly should have been relying solely on myself. It's important to have someone root for you from the sidelines, but it's even more important that you root for yourself. So yes, there have been some regrets but they are now a thing of the past.

I'm 37 now. Time for me to balance everything out and look to my needs. I can't meet everyone else's needs if I am not attending to my own. From here on out, it's all about what feeds my spirit. As they say, if Momma's not happy, nobody's happy. I'm 37, I'm happy, and finally seeing peace. I can't wait to see what the new year brings my way.

Some Things Stay With Us Forever

Some things have a way with staying with us forever. Be it the smell coming from your grandmother's kitchen or a lesson learned, some things have a penchant for lingering well past the point of expiration.

My mind is wandering tonight. Two hours ago I was fighting to stay awake so I could watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Talk about brain rot. lol This show keeps me home from the gym on Thursday's because I have a soft spot for mindless television. It doesn't require much thought and when I'm paying attention, I can usually get a good chuckle or three in within a short period of time. I need those chuckles. Life has been bitter, sweet, and as of late...bittersweet.

For years I was on the receiving end of criticism. Sometimes I stood up for myself, while other times I just let the criticisms build up until I was confident I was done. Some people, I've learned, are worthy of second, third, and even tenth chances to prove themselves worthy of my company. Others, well...not so much.

The other day, as I was cleaning my room, I ran across a card I had long forgotten about. It was completely black with the head of a tiger embossed on it. On the inside was a handwriting I was long familiar with. It belonged to my high school best friend. She was apologizing for the way she'd been treating me, but for the life of me I can't remember what she was apologizing for because mistreatment and/or misunderstandings were recurring themes in our friendship. We would go months, even years without talking. Eventually, as is the case now, I would end up missing her. By now I would have called only for me to, in due time, to remember why we didn't click. We were on seperate journeys. Most friendships have an arrival and departure date, but for some reason, our friendship had many layovers that lasted either a few months or years.

One day, I finally had my feel of things. I was done. And though I could have handled things a little better than I had, I had reached my breaking point. I had reached a point of no return. I had reached the point in our relationship that was marked final destination.

I still love her dearly. I miss the good times we had together, but I definitely learned from the bad. The loss of that friendship marked the beginning of my end. That was three years ago and I am finally understanding just how pivotal that moment was in my life. I found my first little piece of peace and I was right along. Some of us are only meant to be together for a short while, while others will be with us longer. Our friendship had run its course. It had to be stopped, but there will never be any love lost on that end because we shared so many things together.

That letter made me realize that some things really do stay with us forever. That was a lesson learned that I will be able to share with my girls. Though I purged that friendship, I am finding it easier to know that purging has it's own set of benefits. I am stronger. I am more in tune with my spirit and I am free to choose my own path to ensure that I arrive at the destination of my choice.

Trying To Balance It All

Yes, I know I've already said this before, but I am a mother and a wife.  For the past fourteen years, I have struggled with finding the balance that gives my family what it needs all while keeping my mental and physical health in check.  Believe me when I say that it's been a challenge.  Tight rope walkers are able to keep their balance far easier than I have been able to balance life.  I would love a spotless home with no clothes on the floor, clean toilets, spotless floors, and a hot meal on the table every night all while being able to work on both my personal and professional goals, but it's hard.  Everyone has a want and a need.  And as the mother, I am supposed to do it all while not complaining.

I try not to complain.  I try not to focus on the negative things in life.  I try not to focus on the basket of laundry that needs attention or the hair that needs to be done.  I try not to look at any of my shortcomings as failures.  I prefer to look at these things as places in need of special attention.  I try to fit it all in as best as possible.  Even as I type I am struggling with keeping my three-year-old occupied with a movie on Netflix while ignoring the rumbling of my stomach.  Neither one is easy to do, but I am determined to do it.

Up until recently, I had a pretty tight knit schedule that I followed.  Life was flowing effortlessly until my daughter got sick.  There goes my mornings at the gym until she's better.  Well, while we're at home how about I catch up on the ten loads of laundry that need my attention.  Niney-five percent of it is clean, yet twenty percent still sits in a basket on my floor waiting to be put up.  Did I mention that I have yet another load of clothes to wash because I have five kids that change clothes twice a day?  Thank God my husband is okay with doing his own laundry.

I'm pretty sure that my previous paragraph could be considered complaining.  However, I'd like to consider it as putting everything in front of me so I can prioritize my days a little better.  I'm working on it.  I am working on planning my blogging days, building my Facebook group, returning to the gym, preparing healthy meals, and making sure that my family is taken care of.  It's all a balancing act that I am good at, well, at least until a monkey wrench is thrown my way.

Let it be known that today is the first day of the rest of my life. My daughter just made a mess so I'm off to clean that up.  I guess it's time to put something other than coffee in my stomach and throw a load of clothes in the wash.  As much as I would love to say I can't do this, I know I can.  I have twenty minutes to do these few tasks before I head up to my room to fold more laundry while I tune into Dr. Oz.  My day is planned and it will be a success so long as I keep a positive attitude.  If we all keep that one thing in mind then life will flow in a much orderly fashion.

Thinking of Love

 

I woke up this morning thinking of love and the power it has to possess.  I was thinking back on previous pain and how my heart has softened over time.  I woke up, thinking and most grateful for those who have played an integral part in reviving my spirit.  It had withered and was on the verge of death.  Thankfully, I was saved in time.  I still have breath in my body.  And as long as I have breath, I have life.  As long as I have life, I have a chance to rectify any and everything that has plagued me along this journey.

Today I am embarking on an old journey.  I can’t call it new because I’ve been at this since the beginning of the year.  Recently, I lost my way and getting back on task has proven difficult, but not impossible.  Today marks the first of many days of the discipline I’d started to move away from.  As I type, I am drinking my first smoothie of the day.  It’s green. It’s very green.  It’s a spinach/kiwi/mango vanilla cream soy smoothie.  Yes, not the tastiest thing to have first thing in the morning, but it is healthy for my body, mind, and spirit.  A couple of months ago I started putting more things dead than alive in my body.  I am definitely feeling the affects of it too.  I haven’t been tired, but I have been a little lazy about going full-time into the gym.  I’ve missed several classes which is so unlike me.  I haven’t put any real thought into my diet either.  Sonic, McDonald’s, Wendy’s…mmmmmmmm.  So delicious yet not what I need to sustain the level of love that I woke up thinking about this morning.

I woke up thinking of everything and everyone I love.  This has been an amazing year.  I have purged most things too unhealthy to mention and incorporated new habits that are sure to keep a smile on my face.  I have not been this happy in a long time.  I have not felt this much love in a long time.  It is such an amazing feeling to wake up and know that someone is thinking of you.  It is such an amazing feeling to wake up and know that someone is praying for you.  It is such an amazing feeling to wake up and know that you have purpose and the strength to share your purpose with the world.

Today, I hope that everyone takes a moment to look in the mirror and do a self-evaluation?  Are you doing everything that you should be doing to take care of yourself?  Are you doing everything you should do to make sure you are not being a drain on the people around you?  Are you doing everything that you can to make life better for yourself and those around you?  I try my best to make it a point to look at myself on a regular basis.  I may not be able to leave the world with riches, but at least I will be able to leave the world knowing that I did all I could to bring happiness to it.

Countdown!!!!

I'm on it! In thirty days I will be 37-years-young. By then I hope to be ten pounds lighter and a little wiser. lol I don't know why, but the older I get, the more excited I get about turning a year older. I guess it's because life just keeps getting better for me. Whatever the case, I can't wait!!!!

My Life and My Life Alone

If you are a part of my life, good or bad, I will fight protecting you til the end.  It's not necessarily because you are worthy of my protection.  Rather, I feel that everyone has some level of good in them and that that portion of their lives should be preserved.  However, there comes a point when that protection ends and I am open to letting the world have its way with you.

Yesterday, though brief, I spoke about being done with those who don't add any level of enrichment to my life.  I understand wanting to be or sound profound, but there is a time and place for everything.  I understand wanting to be seen as the rational one, but again, there is a time and place for everything.  Though I typically like to keep my life private, I am open to allowing certain people into my world.  I'm leery of family members poking their nose into my business, but I tried something new this year.  EPIC FAIL!!  I tried it in my personal life as well and learned that if it ain't broke, don't even bother changing it.  My life is my life.  It doesn't belong to anyone else other than my Creator.  He alone is the one to judge me.  Yet, I'm finding that people feel it's okay to critique and criticize me and my family.

Let me start by saying that I have been married to my husband for twelve and a half years.  Together we are raising five beautiful girls who are proving to be a joy and a pain.  I stay at home and take care of the girls while my husband works hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table.  It's just us taking care of family.  We get no outside financial assistance nor do we get any assistance with raising our girls. We are far from being financially rich, but we are comfortable.  There are years when life is hard and we don't have much to offer in the way of material things for our girls.  There are times like now that we can spoil them rotten.  I can't understand for the life of me why anyone would choose to find fault in our situation.  I can't understand why anyone would choose to criticize our children when I've done nothing of the sort to them. It happened yesterday, but  I'm okay with it because this is my life and my life alone.

For God knows how many years I bit my tongue.  Nine times out of ten I am going to choose the high road even though I almost didn't choose it yesterday. I choose the high road for a number of reasons.  For starters, it's the right thing to do.  At the end of the day, what have I gained by bringing someone down to my level?  Nothing.  It's not in my nature to make people feel bad about themselves or their situations.  It's not in my nature to bring you down.  Aside from it not being in my nature, it's just not in my place.  I would never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone, yet, for so long I have found myself at the other end of the stick.

I'll be honest, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.  I'm more of a poet than a blogger.  I know I need to work on sentence structure, transitions and all that other stuff.  Once upon a time I was a perfectionist at heart, but I know that if I go back to being that person, all of my thoughts and feelings will continue to be pent up inside.  Lord only knows what would happen if I ceased to voice myself.  I would probably end up as a Lifetime Movie of the Week.  Wait, who am I fooling?  My husband doesn't piss me off enough to kill him so that wouldn't happen. lol  I'm just a woman finding my way in the world without losing my mind.  It's hard enough making it through my day being as happy as I am right now.  However, I refuse to go back to the days that were saddled with other peoples misery. 

This Is The Year

This is the year that I am done being nice to people who think they can say whatever to me and get away with it. I'm done. There is no place in my life for people who are miserable within their own existence.
In one month I will be 37-years-old. I'm too old for arguing, biting my tongue, and holding onto people who have yet to enrich my life. I refuse to be in the presence of anything other than greatness.
The past couple of months I have been made keenly aware of my so called stubborness. So I must ask, what is wrong with wanting more for my life and the people in it? Why should I allow myself to be disrespected by people when I offer nothing but respect?
Bottom line is that I'm done with dealing with certain types of people. I will not allow myself to be disrespected. There is so much to be said in the way of manners and respect. It's lost on most people. Thank God I am raising my kids better than that.

A Little Tired

I really do want to blog today, but I am super tired.

Too Stuffed...

...to blog. Plus I have a sick child to deal with which means I'll miss class tomorrow. Grrrr. I'm going to try my best to make it to the 6am class.

The Words Will Come

First and foremost, I have to acknowledge that my inspiration for this post comes from another fellow blogger named Mell. Mell and I first became acquainted through a website named Babycenter. Although I'm no longer associated with that site, I am so grateful that I made so many beautiful connections. It opened me up in ways I'd never expected and for that, I am forever thankful.
Pardon any typos today. I am in my comfy, cozy bed blogging on my iPhone. I didn't sleep well last night because I'm an insomniac. The word come at the most random hours so I have to take advantage when I can. I should be up getting ready for my day, but the words are coming. They aren't coming at the same intensity as they were at 3 a.m. when I decided to put Musiq on repeat and create a playlist of my favorite love songs, but they are coming.
Lately, I've noticed them coming in morr palateable tones. I'm an angry poet. I write of lifes frustrations and humiliations. I write of deceit and all things that are sour, not sweet. However, lately I have noticed my words tapping more into the softer side of my spirit. The anger and resentment seem to be falling by the wayside. Soft words of love not assoctiated with one having to break free from the Devil's bond haven't been a part of my poetic moments in a spell. Could it be that the outer shell of my heart has been cracked and true love has finally made its way in? Truly, I thought I'd never see this day. Afterall, the angry poet in my has been around for at least twenty years. I never thought I'd see the day that words of love unassociated with the word tough would be a part of my life. But, it is, and I accept it.
The words will come. They are coming in due time and I will write them as they flow. I will try my best to give you the best that I have. I will try my best to give you words of purpose, hope, love, and direction.

My Intentions

My intention was to blog everyday, but that seems to be something that will not happen.  There's one me and six of them plus the cat and two turtles.  Some days are easier than others, but overall things seem to run pretty smoothly.  I started Fall cleaning that technically should have been done in the Spring, but I was too busy enjoying life.  Oh, well, I can't take back the past which if I could...I'm not sure that I would.
Anywho...I'm hoping to come back with a serious blog later.  So much is going on in my head, but when it comes time to getting down on paper it disappears.  Sucks to drive and have all of these wonderful ideas only to come home and have nothing.  I usually compose on my iPhone, but since T-Mobile doesn't support my phone (I need a newer iPhone bad) then I'm stuck with just using notes and transferring my information.  I'm hoping, for my birthday, to get a Netbook so I can have a full keyboard to work with.  The iPhone is fine, pen and paper is fine, but I'd like the option of getting my thoughts down in an instant.

Today Is the First Day...

Today is the first day of the rest of this year.  Ha!  You thought I was going to say life, didn't you.  My experiences this year have taught me a lot of different things about myself.  For starters, I didn't realize how much I didn't recognize myself.  My life has changed dramatically over the years.  This year it finally hit me that even though I've been living, I have not lived.  My life seemed to come to a stand still when I gave birth to my first child fourteen years ago.  Since she didn't live, a part of me died with her.  I know longer wanted to be all of these great things I had aspired to be.  Once I got pregnant again, all I aspired to be was a mother.  Nothing else seemed to matter at that time.
Now, here I am thirteen years after giving birth to my first home and it finally hit me. I could have been so much more than a mother.  Please don't get me wrong, I love being a mother.  However, at the end of the day when all the dishes are clean, the laundry's all folded, and the kids have been tucked into bed, what is there left for me to do?  Oh yeah, being a wife and performing wifely duties. lol  Don't get me wrong, after all of those duties have been fulfilled then what's left to do. Go to sleep.  Then, five hours later (if I'm lucky) I can wake up and do it all over again without so much as an hour of me time.
Some mother's would like you to believe that we don't need me time.  Bullshit!  How else are you supposed to function and grow if your life stops at the moment you became a mother?  You can't.  While some people love holding on to that one title forever, I can't.  I know in my heart that I am meant to do more than just shuttle my girls from one place to the next.  At some point, I realized that it was time to do something for myself and I did.
After I get my four older girls to school and drop my husband off at work (Lord I can't wait until we replace his car), my three year old and I head to the gym.  This is my time.  It gives her time to play with those awesome kids (as she affectionately calls them) and me time to grow.  This has been a fabulous year of sweat.  It wasn't until recently that I realized just how much health and fitness has affected all areas of my life.

**For the time being, please forgive any grammatical errors.  Every 45 seconds one of my kids says my name.  Sometimes it's the same kid over and over.  I promise that I will work on my sentence structure and all that other stuff later.  Thanks!