Some Things Stay With Us Forever

Some things have a way with staying with us forever. Be it the smell coming from your grandmother's kitchen or a lesson learned, some things have a penchant for lingering well past the point of expiration.

My mind is wandering tonight. Two hours ago I was fighting to stay awake so I could watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Talk about brain rot. lol This show keeps me home from the gym on Thursday's because I have a soft spot for mindless television. It doesn't require much thought and when I'm paying attention, I can usually get a good chuckle or three in within a short period of time. I need those chuckles. Life has been bitter, sweet, and as of late...bittersweet.

For years I was on the receiving end of criticism. Sometimes I stood up for myself, while other times I just let the criticisms build up until I was confident I was done. Some people, I've learned, are worthy of second, third, and even tenth chances to prove themselves worthy of my company. Others, well...not so much.

The other day, as I was cleaning my room, I ran across a card I had long forgotten about. It was completely black with the head of a tiger embossed on it. On the inside was a handwriting I was long familiar with. It belonged to my high school best friend. She was apologizing for the way she'd been treating me, but for the life of me I can't remember what she was apologizing for because mistreatment and/or misunderstandings were recurring themes in our friendship. We would go months, even years without talking. Eventually, as is the case now, I would end up missing her. By now I would have called only for me to, in due time, to remember why we didn't click. We were on seperate journeys. Most friendships have an arrival and departure date, but for some reason, our friendship had many layovers that lasted either a few months or years.

One day, I finally had my feel of things. I was done. And though I could have handled things a little better than I had, I had reached my breaking point. I had reached a point of no return. I had reached the point in our relationship that was marked final destination.

I still love her dearly. I miss the good times we had together, but I definitely learned from the bad. The loss of that friendship marked the beginning of my end. That was three years ago and I am finally understanding just how pivotal that moment was in my life. I found my first little piece of peace and I was right along. Some of us are only meant to be together for a short while, while others will be with us longer. Our friendship had run its course. It had to be stopped, but there will never be any love lost on that end because we shared so many things together.

That letter made me realize that some things really do stay with us forever. That was a lesson learned that I will be able to share with my girls. Though I purged that friendship, I am finding it easier to know that purging has it's own set of benefits. I am stronger. I am more in tune with my spirit and I am free to choose my own path to ensure that I arrive at the destination of my choice.

Trying To Balance It All

Yes, I know I've already said this before, but I am a mother and a wife.  For the past fourteen years, I have struggled with finding the balance that gives my family what it needs all while keeping my mental and physical health in check.  Believe me when I say that it's been a challenge.  Tight rope walkers are able to keep their balance far easier than I have been able to balance life.  I would love a spotless home with no clothes on the floor, clean toilets, spotless floors, and a hot meal on the table every night all while being able to work on both my personal and professional goals, but it's hard.  Everyone has a want and a need.  And as the mother, I am supposed to do it all while not complaining.

I try not to complain.  I try not to focus on the negative things in life.  I try not to focus on the basket of laundry that needs attention or the hair that needs to be done.  I try not to look at any of my shortcomings as failures.  I prefer to look at these things as places in need of special attention.  I try to fit it all in as best as possible.  Even as I type I am struggling with keeping my three-year-old occupied with a movie on Netflix while ignoring the rumbling of my stomach.  Neither one is easy to do, but I am determined to do it.

Up until recently, I had a pretty tight knit schedule that I followed.  Life was flowing effortlessly until my daughter got sick.  There goes my mornings at the gym until she's better.  Well, while we're at home how about I catch up on the ten loads of laundry that need my attention.  Niney-five percent of it is clean, yet twenty percent still sits in a basket on my floor waiting to be put up.  Did I mention that I have yet another load of clothes to wash because I have five kids that change clothes twice a day?  Thank God my husband is okay with doing his own laundry.

I'm pretty sure that my previous paragraph could be considered complaining.  However, I'd like to consider it as putting everything in front of me so I can prioritize my days a little better.  I'm working on it.  I am working on planning my blogging days, building my Facebook group, returning to the gym, preparing healthy meals, and making sure that my family is taken care of.  It's all a balancing act that I am good at, well, at least until a monkey wrench is thrown my way.

Let it be known that today is the first day of the rest of my life. My daughter just made a mess so I'm off to clean that up.  I guess it's time to put something other than coffee in my stomach and throw a load of clothes in the wash.  As much as I would love to say I can't do this, I know I can.  I have twenty minutes to do these few tasks before I head up to my room to fold more laundry while I tune into Dr. Oz.  My day is planned and it will be a success so long as I keep a positive attitude.  If we all keep that one thing in mind then life will flow in a much orderly fashion.

Thinking of Love

 

I woke up this morning thinking of love and the power it has to possess.  I was thinking back on previous pain and how my heart has softened over time.  I woke up, thinking and most grateful for those who have played an integral part in reviving my spirit.  It had withered and was on the verge of death.  Thankfully, I was saved in time.  I still have breath in my body.  And as long as I have breath, I have life.  As long as I have life, I have a chance to rectify any and everything that has plagued me along this journey.

Today I am embarking on an old journey.  I can’t call it new because I’ve been at this since the beginning of the year.  Recently, I lost my way and getting back on task has proven difficult, but not impossible.  Today marks the first of many days of the discipline I’d started to move away from.  As I type, I am drinking my first smoothie of the day.  It’s green. It’s very green.  It’s a spinach/kiwi/mango vanilla cream soy smoothie.  Yes, not the tastiest thing to have first thing in the morning, but it is healthy for my body, mind, and spirit.  A couple of months ago I started putting more things dead than alive in my body.  I am definitely feeling the affects of it too.  I haven’t been tired, but I have been a little lazy about going full-time into the gym.  I’ve missed several classes which is so unlike me.  I haven’t put any real thought into my diet either.  Sonic, McDonald’s, Wendy’s…mmmmmmmm.  So delicious yet not what I need to sustain the level of love that I woke up thinking about this morning.

I woke up thinking of everything and everyone I love.  This has been an amazing year.  I have purged most things too unhealthy to mention and incorporated new habits that are sure to keep a smile on my face.  I have not been this happy in a long time.  I have not felt this much love in a long time.  It is such an amazing feeling to wake up and know that someone is thinking of you.  It is such an amazing feeling to wake up and know that someone is praying for you.  It is such an amazing feeling to wake up and know that you have purpose and the strength to share your purpose with the world.

Today, I hope that everyone takes a moment to look in the mirror and do a self-evaluation?  Are you doing everything that you should be doing to take care of yourself?  Are you doing everything you should do to make sure you are not being a drain on the people around you?  Are you doing everything that you can to make life better for yourself and those around you?  I try my best to make it a point to look at myself on a regular basis.  I may not be able to leave the world with riches, but at least I will be able to leave the world knowing that I did all I could to bring happiness to it.

Countdown!!!!

I'm on it! In thirty days I will be 37-years-young. By then I hope to be ten pounds lighter and a little wiser. lol I don't know why, but the older I get, the more excited I get about turning a year older. I guess it's because life just keeps getting better for me. Whatever the case, I can't wait!!!!

My Life and My Life Alone

If you are a part of my life, good or bad, I will fight protecting you til the end.  It's not necessarily because you are worthy of my protection.  Rather, I feel that everyone has some level of good in them and that that portion of their lives should be preserved.  However, there comes a point when that protection ends and I am open to letting the world have its way with you.

Yesterday, though brief, I spoke about being done with those who don't add any level of enrichment to my life.  I understand wanting to be or sound profound, but there is a time and place for everything.  I understand wanting to be seen as the rational one, but again, there is a time and place for everything.  Though I typically like to keep my life private, I am open to allowing certain people into my world.  I'm leery of family members poking their nose into my business, but I tried something new this year.  EPIC FAIL!!  I tried it in my personal life as well and learned that if it ain't broke, don't even bother changing it.  My life is my life.  It doesn't belong to anyone else other than my Creator.  He alone is the one to judge me.  Yet, I'm finding that people feel it's okay to critique and criticize me and my family.

Let me start by saying that I have been married to my husband for twelve and a half years.  Together we are raising five beautiful girls who are proving to be a joy and a pain.  I stay at home and take care of the girls while my husband works hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table.  It's just us taking care of family.  We get no outside financial assistance nor do we get any assistance with raising our girls. We are far from being financially rich, but we are comfortable.  There are years when life is hard and we don't have much to offer in the way of material things for our girls.  There are times like now that we can spoil them rotten.  I can't understand for the life of me why anyone would choose to find fault in our situation.  I can't understand why anyone would choose to criticize our children when I've done nothing of the sort to them. It happened yesterday, but  I'm okay with it because this is my life and my life alone.

For God knows how many years I bit my tongue.  Nine times out of ten I am going to choose the high road even though I almost didn't choose it yesterday. I choose the high road for a number of reasons.  For starters, it's the right thing to do.  At the end of the day, what have I gained by bringing someone down to my level?  Nothing.  It's not in my nature to make people feel bad about themselves or their situations.  It's not in my nature to bring you down.  Aside from it not being in my nature, it's just not in my place.  I would never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone, yet, for so long I have found myself at the other end of the stick.

I'll be honest, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.  I'm more of a poet than a blogger.  I know I need to work on sentence structure, transitions and all that other stuff.  Once upon a time I was a perfectionist at heart, but I know that if I go back to being that person, all of my thoughts and feelings will continue to be pent up inside.  Lord only knows what would happen if I ceased to voice myself.  I would probably end up as a Lifetime Movie of the Week.  Wait, who am I fooling?  My husband doesn't piss me off enough to kill him so that wouldn't happen. lol  I'm just a woman finding my way in the world without losing my mind.  It's hard enough making it through my day being as happy as I am right now.  However, I refuse to go back to the days that were saddled with other peoples misery.