The Way I View the World

I see the world different from most people. I'm almost certain that I will typicially have the unpopular opinion because I view the world through rose colored glasses. I try not to focus on the bad so much as I like to focus on the good. I don't focus my energy on trying to make you see things my way, but it would be nice if you respect my point of view just as I do yours. We all share differences of opinion that stem from various sources. At the end of the day whether you listen to me is up to you. I just want you to think. At the end of the day I can't change you any more than you can change me. The way I view life and the world is through my own perception, just as you do. It is what I have seen, heard, read, discovered, and most importantly, experienced. It took me a long time to get to a point of peace and I will not let anyone deter me from that track. My thoughts are mine and mine alone just like yours are yours. No one knows my story unless they were apart of my story line or I shared it with them. Everything I say and do stems from somewhere, but before you make assumptions about me or my views just ask. It really is that simple. I have such peace and calm hovering over me, that no one can deter me from my path. I am open to sharing and change if the time and place calls for it, but at the end of the day, my perception is still going to be just that...mine.

I have seen a lot of things and met a lot of people in my life. If I had to go back and do it all again, I probably would change very little. For the first time in a long time I feel settled. I feel as if I have a set plan that I will see to the end. Why? Because it has been a long time coming. It has been a gradual process at a slow and steady pace. Nothing happens overnight. Every bit of our personalities down to the way we handle things is a change that occurs overtime.

Let me be clear...I am no genius, but I am no fool either. God put us all here for a reason and my gut tells me that I am here to change the world one person at a time. I don't feel the need lead the masses. I am a one on one type of gal. Individual people have individual needs. We do not live in a one size fits all world. We were each created under individual circumstances with individual needs. No two people will ever be just alike which, I believe, is one of the best things ever. Everything we do, say, think, or feel is going to be different. Our thought process, the way we deal with stress, down to the way we deal with people will always be different and should be respected as such.

The other night, I had a rather interesting conversation online and it dawned on me that something was trying to change my focus and path. Once I really woke up and thought about it, I realized that no matter what was said or how it was said, no one was going to really hear what I had to say because they had already formed opinions about what I either knew or did not know. It actual made me giggle a little because I realized the difference between me and others. I am not really sure that I care much about others opinions of me. I am me and I am me for a reason. Of course, there was no love lost on my part because I am one to just let things go. I both love and appreciate our differences. My definition of personal responsibility is always going to be different from the next person. My definition of slow and steady will always be different from the next person.

I have an eerie kind of calm over me right now. I do not know what it is, but I know the peace and calm that I have will lead me down the right path. No one knows how to do me better than me. No one knows how to navigate my life better than I can.

The Peace I Have

Anyone who knows me, I mean really knows me, knows that the one thing I cherish in life is peace. It is the one thing I can't buy, but is worth more than anything I've ever owned. With less than twenty four hours left in 2011, I can say that I don't recall ever feeling this good about a new year coming in. It's something about the experience I've had and the things I'll be leaving behind that lets me know that living just a bit more than I have in the past has been well worth it.

As I look back on the year I think of all who I have crossed paths with. The internet has brought a lot of different people through my life. Some who've challenged me, some who listened and undertood, and some who I can't say will be missed. It's all been a learning experience that I will cherish until I die. When I look back on 2011, I will be ble to say that not single tear I've shed has been in vain because God has blessed me in more wys than I could ever have imagined.

The peace I have right now is surreal. Even when I'm angry, I'm at peace. This year has allowed me to release some anger that has been the thorn in my side for years. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with but I'm not the hardest either. I don't require much more than respect. I try my best not to bother people with my problems and I am typically mindful of the words that come out of my mouth. All I ask in return is the same respect. Sometimes I get it and sometimes I don't. However, at this point in time I just don't feel phased by any of it because of the peace I have.

So, to all who have loved me unconditionally and have listened to me without judgement...thank you. I can count on one hand who those people are and it's doubtful that they will even read what I have to say. This year I learned what it really means to be loved for just being me. It feels good to just open up and say what's on my heart without judgement. It feels good to hve someone patient enough to listen while you cry on the phone. It feels good to be able to be able to send a text twenty-four hours a day and know that whatever the response it, it will be said in love. Relationships like this are rare. Relationships like this restore my hope thst one day this world will be a better place. Relationships like these bring me the peace that I have today.

Not the Christmas I Expected

I have kids. Lots of kids. Five to be exact. And guess what? They like the holidays. They love the lights, they love the music, and of course they love the gifts. They love waking up on Christmas morning and doing secret knocks on each others doors too. That's their signal that "Santa" has made his delivery and it's time to open gifts. Funny thing is that, they won't open the gifts without my husband and I being present. Gotta love 'em because when I was a kid, I woke up at the crack of dawn and opened my presents alone. I didn't care if my parents were asleep or awake. I just wanted to play.

My kids are different though. Guess I'm just blessed that God delivered five little angels whom I am more apt to call my precious devils. They don't ask for much. I would love to have the money to shower them with the latest gadgets and trendy clothes, but I can't. Honestly, they don't even act like they care which is such a blessing because chances are, I don't care how much money I have, I refuse to spend a wad of cash on one blouse or toy. It's pointless. I really think that it would take away from the lessons we are trying to teach them.

So, it really pleased me that after thirteen years of being a mother and buying seemingly crappy gifts, I am happy to say that I got it right this year. We didn't really spend a lot of money, but the girls are pleased that we chose gifts that are extensions of their gifts and personalities. Of course my three year old got a crap load of Minnie Mouse stuff because she's a fanatic. However, the look on my thirteen year old daughter's face was the best when she opened up her new sketch book, portfolio,and pencils. It wasn't an overly expensive gift, but it's one that I know she will use on a daily basis. It's one that suits her need to express herself and one that I know for a fact won't get tossed to the side.

Believe me when I say that this is not the Christmas I expected. We didn't leave the house, we didn't eat turkey and gravy, my three year old has a fever and just threw up all over me. Furthermore, my procrastination didn't allow me to give them nearly half the stuff I wanted them to have. I'm okay with that. The best gift this mother could ever ask for is the gift of appreciation. While there was some mumbling of I didn't get what was on my list, the comments behind them is what mattered most. It's been a day of continuous knocks on my door showing me the pictures they've drawn. It's been a day full of laughing at Mommy's addiction to pixie sticks (yes, I've been stealing them from the kids) and a day full of genuine love. The girls aren't even complaining about eating chicken, black beans, and yellow rice for dinner either. They are quietly eating dinner while watching Bernie Mac on the living room floor. No, this is not the Christmas I expected, but it is one that I can appreciate and add to my lists of most cherished memories.

Today I Am Working On Patience

When I was younger, things came easy to me. My mind was sharp. I took for granted that my faculties would forever be in place. Now, that I'm older, I am beginning to realize that I am a few years away from forgetting everything that I ever learned. That is...if I allow that to happen. Today, I vow to feed my mind physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I've never been a real fan of junk, but I do dabble in mindless activities from time to time. I do indulge in processed foods on occasion, and I sometimes fail to read meaningful things. Nothing is wrong with that, but I have got to learn to provide my body, mind and spirit with all the things needed to prolong its lifespan.

What I've come to realize is that, in certain instances, I lack patience in my personal endeavors. I want things done quick-fast! I want to pick up on things just like I did years ago before the kids, before the husband, and before the responsibilities of life. What I've come to realize is that at some point, I have to slow down, relax, and just let it all soak in. What I've learned is that, this does not come easy for me because I am typically in overdrive.

No more. Today, I am working on patience. As the saying goes, good things come to those who wait. That is not to say that I'm going to sit around waiting for life to happen for me and it doesn't mean that I'm going to spend the next ten years trying to get to my destination. What it means is that if I start a task and get frustrated, I will make it a point to stick with it until I can figure it out myself within a reasonable amount of time or swallow my pride and ask for help.

How did I get to this point? I don't know. It's just an overwhelming feeling that I have. I'm guessing it stemmed from my inability to maneuver my way around word press. I feel like an idiot for not picking up on things immediately. It took me two days to figure out how to follow a blog and I'm still not for certain that I did it right. I lost my well written and witty about me post as well as my first blog. So, what I've decided to do is to take my time and set up my page to look just like I like it before I continue any further. I'm working on me now. I have a goal in place, but I'm in no rush to get to the finish line until it is officially time.

Something Big Is Happening

Something is happening. Something has gathered my anger, crumpled it up, and tossed it to the side. Something has made me realize that life is so much more, that I can't possibly be bothered with the little things. This is scary. And I'm not talking about thriller movie scary. I'm talking, I am being prepared for something bigger than me and I don't know what to think or say.

Last night, I walked away from two or three hundred easy dollars. When I say easy, I mean guareenteed. As my husband and I were sitting at a stop light, a man rammed us with his nice shiny black BMW. What an asshole to be concerned with nothing more than his beautiful box of metal. There was a police officer at the corner dealing with another incident, but I told him to have a blessed night and just walked away. Still visibly upset that his seemingly prized possession was damaged through his own negligence, he didn't bother to say thank you or anything else that resembled remorse. Now, had this been another day and time I probably would have jumped at the opportunity to collect a small check. Christmas is just around the corner. My fender was dented and he jolted us enough to have gotten a few free chiropractor visits, but I walked away. I just wanted to get home and keep a promise of a good meal and homemade cookies for my girls.

On the way to the store I received a text from a very good friend of mine. I've never met her in person, we've only spoken once on the phone, but we have such a wonderful connection that I can't help but to think that God sent an angel my way. Seriously, in a life or desth situation I would trust her to know me enough to make the right decision. She wanted to inform me that some very private information of mine had made it's way to a closed knit circle I used to be a part of. Honestly, it didn't surprise me. Thinking back, it's sad that it didn't surprise me that this particular young lady felt the need to share a private family matter. I am so at peace right now that I forgive her, no questions asked. We all, at some point, share things we are entrusted with, but I thought that maybe she would understand that it was something not to be shared. I guess not.

Whatever the case, I am wide awake. I am at peace. Something big is happening and I doubt that it's something I can change. Do I even want to change it? Do I want to risk making a mountain out of a mole hill or show God that I don't trust Him? Life is bigger than me. It is bigger than everyone of us and I have learned that sometimes it's okay to walk away. I have learned that everything isn't as serious as some would like us to believe. I am growing. I am this well crafted work of art that God just keeps rearranging. I am molded by Him. Nothing I say or do can take away from the fact that He is the sculptor and I am the clay at His mercy. If nothing else in my life rings true, this surely does. I can't change it nor would I really want to. All I know is that something big is happening and I am prepared.

I Am Afraid, But I Am Not

Let me start by saying that music is a drug to me. I can zone out for hours and forget about my own existence when I put my headphones on. In fact, when I was in college, I was known for my headphones because they were, and still are, with me 95% of the time. When I listen to music, it puts me in a particular zone of being fearless. I am not afraid to sing off key,I am not afraid to show emotion, and I am not afraid to just be. For whatever reason, music helps to alleviate my pain, enjoy the moment, think and dream.

One of my favorite inspirations is the lovely and talented Ms. Jill Scott. Her words and delivery just do something for me. Her delivery is so powerful and nurturing even through words that deliver tough love in a world full of harsh realities. What really makes me love her most is her ability to let her guard down and show just how vulnerable she, even as this powerful black woman, can be.

I am not afraid, she sings. It is a song that gets daily play on my iPhone. Though the song speaks of her love for a man, to me it breaths life into my existence. I wish I could be everything in that song, but I am working towards it. Many moons ago, I was that song. I was not afraid to take off my mask, come to the front of life's platform and just be me. All of a sudden, one day, someone that I loved and trusted made me feel as though I had nothing to say. So, I sat down and never really got back up. That was my biggest mistake. My confidence waned and I stopped sharing. I felt defeated and depleted of everything I'd ever worked towards.

That's not me anymore. I am afraid, but I am not. Now, I realize that this makes absolutely no sense to the average bear. However, I am not your average bear. We are all afraid of something, but even through our fear we are able to channel a certain energy and push through it. So yes, I am afraid to take that first step, but I am not afraid of where that first step will take me. It may never take me to great financial wealth, but it will take me far away from my comfort zone. Everyone has a voice that deserves to be heard. After all these years, I finally remembered that mine is one of them.

37 Years Old...Now What?

I'm 37-years-old and things are finally clicking for me. No, I don't want to hear you complain one more time about your boyfriend. No, I don't want to hear about how much your life sucks. And no...I don't care about most of what you have to say. Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I sound a bit selfish, but this is my life, right? I am the one who has to live with me and the only one that really knows what's going on in my head, right? Right.

As I approach forty at a gingerly pace, I am realizing exactly what every other person my age has probably realized. I still have lots of room to grow. I've always known this, but there is something about getting older and listening to those a decade or more younger than myself that has made me realize that ten years from now, I may look back at myself and think of how much I still didn't know at my current age.

I'm 37...now what? I am no where near achieving anything that I had set out to accomplish. I'm not a big time author, I don't publish my own magazine, I've never owned a brand new car, and I am years away from owning my own house. Funny thing is that I am perfectly fine with all of that. You see, when I set out on my life long mission I never thought about the monkey wrench that might get thrown my way. I didn't have (dare I say this aloud and make my sister smile) a contingency plan. I never sat down and thought about what I would do just in case I got sidetracked.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have regrets because I do. I regret not realizing til now that I should have had a plan b. I regret letting motherhood overshadow my goals instead of incorporating my goals into motherhood. I regret expecting my husband to be my biggest cheerleader when I clearly should have been relying solely on myself. It's important to have someone root for you from the sidelines, but it's even more important that you root for yourself. So yes, there have been some regrets but they are now a thing of the past.

I'm 37 now. Time for me to balance everything out and look to my needs. I can't meet everyone else's needs if I am not attending to my own. From here on out, it's all about what feeds my spirit. As they say, if Momma's not happy, nobody's happy. I'm 37, I'm happy, and finally seeing peace. I can't wait to see what the new year brings my way.